Slapped With Reality

...or another version of the story at the very least...

My best friend is great! He sent me a "kick in the pants" email yesterday on the topic of going to help my dad. It's exactly what I needed.

You see, I am a very generous and forgiving person by nature. I want to help everybody and just be respected for who I am. When it comes to my family, though, I need to just let go of that. There are times when I *should* hold a grudge and let people reap the harvest from the ill will they've sown. This time, "people" means my dad and his wife. They don't seem to hold any respect for me, and they don't deserve my help, regardless of recent events. This is a very difficult thing for me to realize.

What Carl pointed out is that I'm not really in a strong position to help my dad, and it's partly his own doing. Here's the story... Two years ago I decided to pursue weaving as a profession. While working a day job that barely covered my bills, I did six months of research, took a couple of courses on planning and starting a small business, and worked with a few business advisors to write a detailed business plan and pursue funding. Then the banking industry all-but-collapsed. Lending dried up "temporarily".

So I called on my dad for the first time in my adult life. I wasn't asking for a handout. I was asking for a loan in very specific terms with a clear, conservative plan to pay it back. His response? He didn't even call me back. And when I finally called him, he gave me the cold shoulder, saying merely "I don't buy it." He made no offer of assistance less than the amount I was asking. No terms like "start it yourself, show me that you're serious and I'll help you get to the next level". Just a simple "no" that translated to "you don't deserve my help in any way." I told him that I would have liked his support but that I'd just go ahead and do it on my own.

That was the last time we spoke, about a year and a half ago. In that time I've done just as I said. I borrowed some money from friends and bought my loom. I've spent the last year as an apprentice, earning relatively little for my work while I learned the ropes of production weaving. This year I set ambitious milestones for myself and have met them all. I have now acquired the materials for my own batch of cloth, designed and wove it, made products from it, and test marketed them to thousands of customers. This week I'm putting together a small booth and refreshing my product inventory to prepare for summer craft fairs.

If I had startup capital a year and a half ago, I'd be that much further ahead of where I am. I'd be in a place where I could really help my dad without much personal sacrifice. (Actually, my experience has shown me that my production and earning estimates were grossly conservative. I'd be doing GREAT if I had had even moderate funding.) Instead, I'm in a place where I am still pinching pennies to get my business off the ground.

Yes, I *could* pack my studio into the van, go east and help them out, but why *should* I? Yeah, he's my dad, but where was he when I needed support? He didn't even have the decency to call me back.

"Are you really in trouble here?" was his last question when I called him. No, for the first time in my life I was not making a decision based on desperation, just making the best of whatever situation happened to be in front of me. I was finally taking charge and pursuing my life goals. And with no support, the going would be way rougher.

It has been rough. But I am making it and realizing that I have another family - my friends. I've lived with them longer than I lived with my biological family. They understand and respect me WAY more, and they care more about my actual well-being.

It's doubtful that the family would have taken me up on my offer to help anyhow. They seem to perceive me as worthless and undesirable. I think they need to believe that in order to treat me like a pariah. It's just not healthy for me to engage with people who behave that way, even if they're "family". They've made their choice clear over the years: they would be better off without me. Well, so be it.

I'm sorry that this realization is coming in the midst of the most difficult situation Dad has ever faced, but I'm sure that his family will get him through it. That family doesn't include me now any more than it did in the past. I'll save my kindness and generosity for people who deserve it.

Thanks for the clear thinking, Carl. I owe you one.