Trash Talk!

[Hops plant climbing a pole]

I've gone through lots of growth in the last few years. I finally decided to stop dabbling in different crafts and focus on just weaving. Then I decided to get even more serious by turning it into my livelihood. This meant learning to manage my time and money like an adult. (shudder)

Then I moved to Wolf Creek Sanctuary and started taking on a leadership role in bringing consensual reality back into the core of this culture. All of these things involve personal growth, but with an outward focus: the business, the sanctuary, etc. At this Great Circle, I realized another part of my leadership role here on the land: personal deportment, even outside of meetings. It's the first time in a while that I've had a strictly personal goal.

It's very easy to believe that the structure of our decision-making process is the only thing that matters when we sit down to govern ourselves. This week, I've come to understand that this isn't the case. When leading members of the community are heard speaking about others without discretion, it creates fear. This fear undermines the trust that's required for the consensus process to work.

The trash talking behavior also discloses a lapse in the embodiment of our subject-SUBJECT ideals. When someone speaks about another without the chance to hear that person's perspective, he has silently decided that he knows the other's motivations. Our foundational beliefs tell us that this intimate knowledge of another person isn't possible. The other person needs to be given the chance to speak for himself. (This is the definition of subject-SUBJECT reality.)

To break the cycle of trash talk and enhance the reality of empowered communication even outside of official meetings, I sat in a circle with recorded minutes and made a promise to the community: if I feel the need to "vent" frustration about another person, I will then speak to that person directly within 24 hours. I have asked the community to hold me to that promise. They've agreed. This isn't meant to shift the responsibility to them, only to give clear accountability to encourage me to follow through.

I've been living with this promise for about two days now. (Although yesterday shouldn't count since I accidentally slept through most of it...) It is having an immense impact on my world view! I find myself happier, less stressed out, and more optimistic about the future. I find myself believing better of people, giving them the benefit of the doubt, and actively looking for ways to understand their behavior. I found myself in conversation with someone who was speaking ill of a third person while I gently defended this person who had been a "sworn enemy" just a few days ago. Even if I hadn't defended him, my support for the person in front of me but silence on the topic itself could have helped keep the ill will between the two of them from becoming stronger. I also find myself feeling more open to the people around me. I don't need to defend myself so heavily because everything doesn't feel like a fight.

In making this promise, I am not saying that I will ignore people's behavior and neglect to hold them accountable for their actions, only that I will do it directly instead of talking behind their backs. I can't believe it took me so many years to come to the realization of how important this is for me and for the community. Better late than never!